Now, I am a smoker and I haven't run in a while (this picture is not me). To counter the nasty side effects of BED (rolls, cellutlite, muffin top) I try to go to the gym alot. I really like the gym because its a great way to relieve stress. One thing that happens to me is that when I go to the gym I get in this zone where I don't have control of my thoughts. Its almost like I am dreaming.
Last night as I was rocking out with my elliptical out I started thinking about someone that I love very much and how much he hurt me last year. I got super mad and angry. I cannot trust this man. I never did get an apology. My gut instinct is to never speak to him again but how do I do that when the man is my brother?
Let me give you a little break down of my brother. He is ten years older than me and kinda of volatile. He is probably one of the funniest people I have ever known. He is super random and crazy. Growing up he was coddled and loved very much a)because of who he is and b)because he is the only boy of three girls (me being the youngest). He is creative...amazing artist and muscian. He went to an amazing college where he spent all of his time buying, selling, and doing drugs. Cocaine in particular, but not limited. He also had a fondness for the mary-joanna, lsd, and experimented with heroin.
He had a very tumultuous relationship with my father and mother and had on/off relationships with both. He doesn't like to be told what to do and is super controlling. He can do no wrong, in his eyes, and is often hypocritical in his actions and or words.
He has come to visit me a couple of times in the past year but only because his band would be rolling through. I would see him for the length of a show and then he would take off. I was always supportive of him no matter what he did or who he was with.
Let's flash forward to last year (thank you "Lost" for giving me a new term). I was dating that loser who cheated on me with men, women, trannies...you know, EVERYONE. His name is Caesar. I didn't know it, nor did anyone. It was Caesar's secret behavior. NOT A JUSTIFICATION AT ALL.
Caesar and I decided to visit my brother and his lady. Well, there is a whole other story attached to this which I will go into in the next couple of entries. My brother and I live about 4 hours apart and Caesar had never really been out of the state we live in...we we decided to make a trip out of it.
I thought the visit with my brother was going to be low-key so we took our time driving down. We stopped for dinner along the way. My brother kept on calling sounding very pissed that we were taking so long.
Then we got lost which infuriated my brother. It took us a while to get to him and once we finally found his place I called and sounded so angry and I knew it wasn't going to be good.
We walk into his place and my brother just sat at his kitchen table glaring at me with his beady blue eyes and his arms crossed over his chest. His wife was talking to me and Caesar and I thought things eased up a bit. Caesar and I left to stay in a hotel and said that I would see my brother the next day.
The next morning I wanted to show Caesar around. We drove all over the place and then BOOM got lost...we ended up on a highway where we couldn't turn around. We ended up in another state and when I called my brother to let him know he said, "I know what youre doing." I asked him what he meant and he replied, "I went on those kinds of rides when I was in college. I know what you're doing"
I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. So I said that I would call him when I got home to talk because I didn't want to deal with it. I felt like I was in trouble and wasn't sure what for.
After a great weekend with Caesar we got home and I called my brother. He FREAKED out on me. JUST YELLED AND YELLED and wouldn't listen to a word I said. To this day I am not sure what he thought I was up to...probably thought I was smuggling drugs or something like this. We didn't speak for about 8 months afterwards but things got worse because he decided to tell my estranged father that I am a druggie...selling and doing.
My dick head of a dad never calls. I will go into him more soon. I promise. You don't want to miss this. So I had called him to talk to him and ask him for a loan. I had just gotten a new job and wanted to fancy suits to wear and didn't have any money to spend on that stuff at that point.
My dad, who I never even told about Caesar, freaked out on me and starting spewing the same shit that my brother was saying:
"I know what you're doing" and then "I'm not giving Caesar any money". This turned into "I will not speak to you until you tell the truth. I didn't speak with my dad for 8 months as well.
The only reason I did speak with them is because I had a medical emergency and they wanted to check in on me.
Nothing has ever been resolved nor has there been any apology.
I was thinking about all of this at the gym last night and got very very very angry, frusterated, and hurt. What do you do when no on believes you? What do you do when people just drop you? I can understand someone not liking a boyfriend but to accuse and not believe their own fucking sister really hurts.
I have been harboring all of this anger for the past year and I am really upset. I hate my brother and my father. Even though they talk to me now you can still sense the disappointment in me and how they think I am untrustworthy. Its awful. I don't know what to do.
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