Breaking the Girl

 Pre-BED (Binge Eating Disorder), I was super healthy. I didn't smoke and I was an avid runner. Running was the only thing I felt comfortable boasting about. Runners are elitist for very good reasons...its hard and not everyone can do it. I would run and run and run and felt sooo good and looked even better.

Now, I am a smoker and I haven't run in a while (this picture is not me). To counter the nasty side effects of BED (rolls, cellutlite, muffin top) I try to go to the gym alot. I really like the gym because its a great way to relieve stress. One thing that happens to me is that when I go to the gym I get in this zone where I don't have control of my thoughts. Its almost like I am dreaming.

Last night as I was rocking out with my elliptical out I started thinking about someone that I love very much and how much he hurt me last year. I got super mad and angry. I cannot trust this man. I never did get an apology. My gut instinct is to never speak to him again but how do I do that when the man is my brother?

Let me give you a little break down of my brother. He is ten years older than me and kinda of volatile. He is probably one of the funniest people I have ever known. He is super random and crazy. Growing up he was coddled and loved very much a)because of who he is and b)because he is the only boy of three girls (me being the youngest). He is creative...amazing artist and muscian. He went to an amazing college where he spent all of his time buying, selling, and doing drugs. Cocaine in particular, but not limited. He also had a fondness for the mary-joanna, lsd, and experimented with heroin.

He had a very tumultuous relationship with my father and mother and had on/off relationships with both. He doesn't like to be told what to do and is super controlling. He can do no wrong, in his eyes, and is often hypocritical in his actions and or words. 

He has come to visit me a couple of times in the past year but only because his band would be rolling through. I would see him for the length of a show and then he would take off. I was always supportive of him no matter what he did or who he was with.

Let's flash forward to last year (thank you "Lost" for giving me a new term). I was dating that loser who cheated on me with men, women, trannies...you know, EVERYONE. His name is Caesar. I didn't know it, nor did anyone. It was Caesar's secret behavior. NOT A JUSTIFICATION AT ALL.

Caesar and I decided to visit my brother and his lady. Well, there is a whole other story attached to this which I will go into in the next couple of entries. My brother and I live about 4 hours apart and Caesar had never really been out of the state we live in...we we decided to make a trip out of it.

I thought the visit with my brother was going to be low-key so we took our time driving down. We stopped for dinner along the way. My brother kept on calling sounding very pissed that we were taking so long.

Then we got lost which infuriated my brother. It took us a while to get to him and once we finally found his place I called and sounded so angry and I knew it wasn't going to be good.

We walk into his place and my brother just sat at his kitchen table glaring at me with his beady blue eyes and his arms crossed over his chest. His wife was talking to me and Caesar and I thought things eased up a bit. Caesar and I left to stay in a hotel and said that I would see my brother the next day.


The next morning I wanted to show Caesar around. We drove all over the place and then BOOM got lost...we ended up on a highway where we couldn't turn around. We ended up in another state and when I called my brother to let him know he said, "I know what youre doing." I asked him what he meant and he replied, "I went on those kinds of rides when I was in college. I know what you're doing"

I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. So I said that I would call him when I got home to talk because I didn't want to deal with it. I felt like I was in trouble and wasn't sure what for.

After a great weekend with Caesar we got home and I called my brother. He FREAKED out on me. JUST YELLED AND YELLED and wouldn't listen to a word I said. To this day I am not sure what he thought I was up to...probably thought I was smuggling drugs or something like this. We didn't speak for about 8 months afterwards but things got worse because he decided to tell my estranged father that I am a druggie...selling and doing.

My dick head of a dad never calls. I will go into him more soon. I promise. You don't want to miss this. So I had called him to talk to him and ask him for a loan. I had just gotten a new job and wanted to fancy suits to wear and didn't have any money to spend on that stuff at that point.

My dad, who I never even told about Caesar, freaked out on me and starting spewing the same shit that my brother was saying:

"I know what you're doing" and then "I'm not giving Caesar any money". This turned into "I will  not speak to you until you tell the truth. I didn't speak with my dad for 8 months as well.

The only reason I did speak with them is because I had a medical emergency and they wanted to check in on me.

Nothing has ever been resolved nor has there been any apology.

I was thinking about all of this at the gym last night and got very very very angry, frusterated, and hurt. What do you do when no on believes you? What do you do when people just drop you? I can understand someone not liking a boyfriend but to accuse and not believe their own fucking sister really hurts.

I have been harboring all of this anger for the past year and I am really upset. I hate my brother and my father. Even though they talk to me now you can still sense the disappointment in me and how they think I am untrustworthy. Its awful. I don't know what to do.

Me Me and ME

I have been feeling super sad as of late...actually as of late is an understatement.


I have been diagnosed with depression about 6 years ago. I was prescribed medication, AKA-Happy Pills, to help me get by. They worked up until last year when my life totally fell apart.

I caught my boyfriend of six years in bed with another woman. I rebounded with the closeted bisexual dude he destroyed me. I hate my job and my life.

I am 5'0" tall and weighed about 112lbs...pretty tiny right? I used to love the way I looked. Well I have developed this disgusting behavoir as a coping mechanism to these horrible incidences in my life and its known binge eating disorder. Or BED. I have gained about twenty pounds and I feel absolutly disgusting.

Binging is the grossest thing in the world. Its a compulsion. You don't know why you do it and you cannot stop. I go to different convenience stores in a row so people wont see the amount of gross foods I buy. I will eat and eat and eat until I literally cannot shovel another morsel down my throat.

I usually binge on combos, loafs of bread, cookies, chips, popcorn, doughnuts, meal replacement bars. Anything really. Everything. Its awful. It doesn't even feel that good when I am doing it and it feels worse immediately afterward.

I don't know how to stop and am seeing 2 the rapists to help me. I am scared and feel so out of control. I go through periods where I am ok but than BLAMO! something happens and POOF I might as well strap on a feed bag.

Anyone have any idears?

Classic Girl

I am listening to some Jane's Addiction...Classic Girl to be precise. I forgot how fucking awesome they are. I love music and have a very eclectic taste. I love most everything EXCEPT for country. I really hate country music.

Did I ever tell you that I was a DJ (Not like the loser that I dated and mentioned in my previous entry)? Probably not since this is my third entry and haven't disclosed anything about myself.

When I was in college I was a morning show intern which was so lame. They DJ's had such a fake dialogue...they just emoted these insanely happy personas when the mics were on and when they were off they were these miserable people.

Anyway...I did love the music aspect of radio. Keep in mind this was in the 90's when Pandora, IPods, and Sirius weren't around. I decided that I wanted to take a stab at a non super happy on air "personality".

I went through a some what rigorous process at my college to become a member of their famous radio station. I did it and had a blast.

You picked your time slot based on the music you would play. So R&B and Hip-Hop would be from 12-8pm Monday through Friday. Rock would be 9am-12pm and 8pm-3am. After 3am it was a free forum. I picked the 3am-6am shift. While I had a part time job. While I was still taking classes. Ms. Thang was a tired lady. I loved it though.

I would have "guests" come on who were usually my drunken friends. I had callers...usually they were creepy dudes but callers none-the-less.

My last couple of boyfriends Part 2

You like how I jump right into it?

Ok, so the next boyfriend was a piece of shit as well. So deceptive. He is a "DJ"...well he calls himself a DJ. He doesnt even use turn-tables...just his ginormus mac. I can do that. Whatever. He was probably the most narcissistic person I have ever met. The name "narcissism" was coined by Freud after Narcissus who in Greek myth was a pathologically self-absorbed young man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool.Well, DJ Ass Face fell loves the pool.

Let me back her up a bit. I had been single ever since the last dude...maybe six months with random un-climaxing hook ups in between. Total waste of my time. I was telling my friend that I was feeling lonely and he suggested that I meet his friend...this ever mysterious DJ. He said that he was weird and spontaenous like I am. My friend told me he was going to talk to him but that I should befriend him on Facebook. I did this.


The first thing that shouldve tipped me off was that he had about 100,000,000 pictures of himself. I looked through them and was immediately drawn to him. He was definitely my type of guy...looks and personality wise (pre getting to know him). He had tattoos (I LOVE THEM AND HAVE THEM), was tall, dark, handsome, funny, retarded, spontaneous.

We chatted through fb and we hit it off. He suggested that we go to an indoor rock climbing place for a date. WHAT? REALLY? An indoor rock climbing date? I have never been rock climbing in my life. I also was totally aware that I would be suspended in the air in a harness. ASS IN A HARNESS IN THE AIR ON A FIRST DATE.

I took the challenge...I was kind of interested in it. When I picked him up I was pleasantly surprised at how handsome he was and easily we got along. We laughed and joked on the drive there. We get out of the car and I walk into this very intimidating other world.

But you know what? I sucked it up. Put my fear aside. Slipped into the harness and climbed my ass off. I was a trooper and had so much fun. I felt like the date was going awesome. Probably one of the most random and spontaneous first dates I had ever been on. So much better than the "Wanna grab a drink" date.

Anyways, we go outside and walk to the car and I realized it was only 9pm and didn't want the date to be over. I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink. We went to this bar in my neighborhood and sat and drank and chatted for like 2 hours.

He didn't pull any sleazy moves on me but would say that I am pretty or throw a compliment here and there. the only semi creepy thang he did was he leaned into my ear to say something since it was so loud and then proceeded to tell me that my hair smelled good.

He walked me home like a gentleman...came in to meet my dog. Then I gave him a quick peck on the lips and he left. No sex. No making out.

I was on such a high. You don't even know. I really really liked him. It was instant. I went to work beaming the next day. I had heard through the grapevine that I had KILLED IT! He had a great time and wanted to see me again.

We hung out a bunch of times and just had so much fun. He seemed proud of me. He seemed as smitten with me as I was with him. We went out one night to a Burlesque show and had another great night. We got super silly, made out all over the joint and ended up at my place and FINALLY made the sex. It was a bit disappointing but still enjoyed most of it.

The next day I get a text from him at like 7am saying to check my facebook. I check it and he asks me to be in a relationship with him. I happily accepted. Our anniversary was 5.5.10 in Facebookland.

One other night he came over and started crying. He said my dog made him sad because he had the same kind. I didn't know how to handle it. I've never been put in that situation before. A red flag should've gone up immediately.

I had to have surgery so my mother came up to visit and take care of me. He wanted to meet her. He came over the night before surgery and made me and my mom dinner. We sat and ate and drank and talked. My mom went to bed and my dj boyfriend and I took a bottle of wine and found a park outside and drank. We cuddle, made out, laughed, drank at midnight in a park. It couldn't have been any more romantic. Actually it wouldve been great if I didn't have to wake up at at the ass crack of dawn to get my gall bladder taken out.

The next day I go into surgery and find that he had been calling my mom to see how I was and was going to come over that night to make dinner and to take care of me and my mom. He was super sweet. I was a bit scared though because usually you dont let your parents meet someone until its very serious and he was already getting close to her.

He stayed by my side the whole time.

My mom leaves a couple of days later. I am still on the mend. I ask him if he wants to come over...he said he had a friend coming over and that I should go to his place. I go...bandaged stomach and all. I took the subway. I thought, "Well he has been trekking over to my place the past 5 days in a row...I can go over there".

I get there and his friend is there. She is a girl. Apparently he has a lot of friends who are women and they all hate his choices in ladies...except for me. These girls really liked me. It felt really good.

Anyways we all hang out and she leaves. We go into bed. MIND YOU I AM 3 DAYS POST SURGERY. We cuddle and he is being very gentle. We start making out and then we start making the sex again. I left my little tank top on so he wouldnt see my incisions. We pass out.

I wake up the next morning high as a kite. I go home and get ready for my first day back at work. Still beaming from my seemingly perfect boyfriend.

I get to work and things are great. I get a text from him saying that last night was great and that he was happy. I go on facebook and he says something about having a bad day. I decide to order him milk and cookies from a local bakery to be shipped to his work. I dont hear from him.

I dont hear from him that night. Or the next. I get a text on day three saying, "I am sorry. I am not in a good place right now. I need more time."

I call him and he didn't pick up. Here I am on pain meds, post surgery, sending him milk and cookies and then being dumped via text. AWESOME.

Turns out he dumped me for a 21 year old girl with a HUGE underbite. Here is my interpretation of her:

It really inst that far off.

I am not bad looking. I am tiny and petite. I do not have an underbite. I am also 31 years old and have a career. I am independant. This girl has nothing on me.

Yet, I am still being passed over. The first boyfriend mentioned passed me over for anonymous sex with trannies. The DJ passes me over for hachetface.

I don't get it.

My last couple of boyfriends Part 1

My past couple of boyfriends sucked. SUCKED DICK. Literally. He was this sniveling little dude who thought he was the toughest, coolest, person ever. I never cared about anyone being tough or cool. This guy looked to shows like "Jersey Shore" for positive male role models. Oh did I mention that he just turned 33?

We started dating in June of 2009. We had a lot of fun. We cared for each other. We had an amazing sex life.

My birthday is in September (go Virgo's!!!) and it was around this time that I began to distrust him. He lived close by and I noticed that he had put his and his ex-girlfriends initals into fresh cement. The day before my birthday. The cement was located like 20 feet from my front door.

Awesome. Did I mentioned he just turned 33? He was also receiving a lot of phone calls that he would take in a seperate room...normally fine, right? Sometimes?

He would receive these calls at like 3am. He was also a texting freak. 33 YEARS OLD.

More in a minute...

Okay I am back.

One night we were watching tv late-night like and he was texting away. I looked over his shoulder and it was all sexy talk. He was sexting someone. I confronted him and he we had a fight and told me that I was OVARY-acting.

Since I thought I loved the guy I believed him and told myself, "why would he hurt me. The next mother-fucking day we went to the Sprint store so he could get a new phone. The clerk showed him a new phone...my guy purchased it. The clerk showed him how to use the interweb and other features on the phone while we were both looking at the screen. My guy typed in his password, which I saw, and up came his emails. ALL FROM ADULT WEBSITES...like adultfriendfinder.

I didn't say anything to him because I felt like I had the right to be the sneakiest, nastiest beeyotch in the world. So to accomplish that hard feat I decided to break into his email first and see what was really going on.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER CHECK SOMEONES EMAIL...unless you like living in oblivion which I surely did.

My guy was a frequent visitor and member of adult friend finder...asking people to meet up for sexy time. He was also a frequent responder to the casual encounter group on craigslist. As if this wasn't disgusting enough, he was looking to meet up with dudes and trannies.

You know what? Thats fine if that is what you want to do. Really it is. What is gross is being deceptive about it. Hiding it from someone that loves and cares for you. I dry heaved and punched him in his stupid face.

I needed to get tested. Alls fine, thank jebus! Still extremely scary and has scarred me for life.

This was one year ago today.

FIRST!

Welcome to my blog. This is my first post. Pretty exciting isn't it.

I know. I know. Its hard for you to contain your excitement.

This isn't my first rodeo, you know. I have been an avid blogger for a while but got sick of my old URL so I thought I might try this on and see how it fits. Pretty slimming right?

Well, first things first. Let me introduce myself. My name is...um wait. I can't give you that. How bout you just call me Ms. Thang. No, I am not asian. Yes, that name is me trying to be cool and hep. Like Ms. Thing but cooler because I changed the spelling.

I am not sure what I am going to do with this space. As of right now I kind of foresee this as an online diary of sorts where I can let out my emotions, bash people candidly, tell you about my life as a single woman, and other goodies. Whaddya think?

Will this work for all of you?